I have a bit of writers block today. So forgive me for this rambling post about women, relationships, and relapses. It is what came out of me. Enjoy!
You wouldn’t believe the number of women I have sponsored that don’t manage to stay sober because of their relationship. Well not because of their relationship but because of their actions due to the fact that they are in one. That includes myself. I am not saying relationships are bad but there is something about relationships for the “more emotional sex” that fulfills something in us that God should probably be fulfilling instead. I don’t know if this goes for the “macho” men out there but I know based on experience, that relationships can take an emotional and spiritual hold on women.
The relationship doesn’t have to be dysfunctional necessarily, it could be a healthy relationship but it still fills that emptiness inside of us and that empty space is now closed off from the spirit of the universe. Which isn’t why we get in relationships. We get in relationships to combine our light not to fill up dark spots or to gain light from someone else. So what about are darks pots? If they have already been filled by a man, or woman and then they don’t need to be filled with what truly keeps us sober; a higher power (light).
What I have learned throughout my sobriety is that the dark parts of myself have to be totally lit up by God. They can’t be lit up by God only 90% of the way while a man (relationship) lights up that other 10%. Total faith and trust in God. And of course my percentages when it comes to God and a man (relationship) change from day to day. But that’s part of the reason I wake up every morning and pray. So I can try to give over 100% of myself to God that way not even 2%, 10%, 20% of myself is reliant or “lit” up by a relationship. The sunlight of the spirit never burns out. And as most of us know, relationships and more specifically feelings can.
But why relapse? It could have to do with what I said earlier. The feelings fade and when 10% of the reliance is on the relationship and the feelings, when they are gone, they are left only 90% full. They are left with a dark spot that needs to be filled with something. And dark spots can grow without putting them back in the sunlight. And if that 10% grows, then drugs and alcohol may seem like a great solution to covering up the fact that those dark spots even exist, allowing them to slowly infest their mind, their self-worth, their self-esteem, their thoughts of themselves, and what they are worth. This doesn’t have to happen.
And if they don’t relapse? Well, the amount of women I know that are with men that are NOT good enough for them, and have stuck it out with those men just to receive some sort of light in the dark spots of themselves, is sad. Every woman in recovery should take the time, however much time that is, to figure out what she wants, get lit up by a higher power, realize what she deserves and then make the decision to never settle.
Why? So they can use what they have to offer to the relationship in a healthy way. Those dark spots in their heart, soul, or body, when lit up by their higher power makes them shine. And they then can share their light. And then they are absolutely capable of having whatever it is that they want when it comes to a relationship. And that mostly has to do with the fact that now, they don’t NEED the relationship to fill in the dark spots, they only want it to share their light. They want to give to the relationship.
Women in recovery are wonderful and amazing. I honestly believe there is no other kind of woman out there like her. With her trust in her higher power, an understanding of herself, altruism and integrity as well as honesty, they are capable of not only giving to a relationship but also of changing the world.
And that is part of the reason I love recovery. It gives you the ability to not only recognize your dark spots, but also to fill them up with light so they can become your greatest strengths. You become whole again. But you still have the knowledge and strength from being darkened at one point. And that makes you not only a force to be reckoned with but also one of the biggest givers of light to this world.