How to NOT get Sober

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how to not get soberWe are always posting serious posts about interventions and how to save your loved one’s life or your own. And this is good because addiction is a serious disease that can kill. But this time we are going to have a little fun on the normal blog posts you always read about how to get sober and how to have an intervention. We are going to do the opposite, we are going to tell you everything you can do to NOT get sober. And when we do you might find all the ways or things you should do that will keep you sober. Just read between the lines here and enjoy:

This is how to NOT get sober.

1. Find every reason possible to not go to treatment or rehab:

This is a classic way to not get sober. In fact this is continue getting high 101. Want to stay miserable and in your addiction? It’s really easy! Just find and excuse not to get help. The excuses can range from totally ridiculous to semi-plausible. Whatever the case may be, for the most part, excuses could work to keep you sick and suffering. You could try the job, apartment, or family excuses; these are usually the most acceptable. Or you could be totally crazy and say its the relationship, hair, lack of cigarettes, etc. 

2. Once you get to rehab just AMA or leave against medical advice

So you get to rehab, but you really want to make sure you don’t get sober right? Then leave AMA! Just go hit the streets of wherever you are in treatment and find some crack to smoke! Your life will get much worse then, and you wont have to be sober! Perfect solution to suddenly stop the process of getting your life back on track. Irresponsible and totally selfish decisions; AMA is all you!

3. Once you get out of rehab, don’t get a sponsor

If you don’t want to be sober please, please, please, whatever you do, DO NOT get a sponsor. While getting a sponsor doesn’t guarantee sobriety, it is the next right step and we know you have no plans of taking the right action if you don’t want to get sober. Getting a sponsor means you are getting really close to finding permanent sobriety and who wants that?

4. Absolutely, do not work the 12 steps

The 12 steps, completing them or even beginning to work on them with a sponsor pretty much means you are getting sober. So you are failing at your mission of staying miserable and not sober with this one. If you want to make sure you continue shooting up, and smoking crack, and stealing, and possibly homeless, don’t work steps. If you do, a safe option is just to work steps up to the 4th one and then never call your sponsor again. The 4th step makes a good excuse to not stay sober, and then you can tell everyone how scary it is and make sure you never have to stay sober again. 

5. Do not pray

Praying is for those who want to get sober. This should be something that you never even consider if you want to not get sober. Not getting sober requires constant thoughts about yourself, selfishness, self-centeredness, lack of awareness, digression, and stagnation. Prayer may change all that. And who wants to change? Not you right? You’re trying not to get sober! So don’t pray! Don’t find your purpose in life! And definitely do not start talking about higher powers. Pfft. 

6. Do not, under any circumstances, listen to someone who is sober

Do NOT take suggestions, do not do what sober people do, and don’t listen to them. If you want to make sure you end up getting high again, then you must absolutely under any and all circumstances, do the exact opposite of the people who are happy, and carefree, and light. You must make sure that you do what you think is right, and ignore anyone’s advice. This is the best way to NOT get sober.

I hope this helps you on your journey back to using. And if your goal is actually to stay sober I hope you enjoyed this and do all the things we told someone who doesn’t want to stay sober to do. This was just a fun post and is not meant to take addiction or alcoholism lightly, but is really to shed light on the insanity of things, even myself, have done while trying to get sober. I hope you enjoyed it.